Farewell Amma

To be honest, this post ... would be the most hardest to complete, and might even be the most longest in my entire life. For it comes straight from my heart ... for someone very special, and she meant the whole world to me ... my dearest Amma (mother).

It has taken me a while to think over these last couple of months that has come to pass, with the recent loss of my Amma to cancer.

She was indeed the most loving mother any child could ask for - compassionate, sincere, kind hearted, forgiving, etc. Singled handedly my mom, Shirley, as all her close friends and acquaintances called her, brought up six children with pride and dignity. Never once, have I heard her complain or belittle her children to her friends. To her, we were her pride and joy ... children who would one day appreciate her for who we are today.

It was just about a year ago that I dedicated a post to honor my dearest mom on this very special day we all celebrate as "Mother's Day". Reading it once again, breaks me down to the point I wonder : "Did I do everything right, did I make her proud?"

I ask this same question over and over again, how long will this ripped out part of my heart last? I reckon, only God will have the actual answer to that. I've lost my Amma. She was cremated some two weeks ago, but I still can't get over of the fact of losing her, and cry every night silently in my room. I think about her all the time. In this life, she is gone, she is no more. I will never hear her voice again, or ever see her smile.

What I've learnt from this situation is that when a loved one dies, we experience various stages of grief. Basically there are four key stages : Shock, Denial/Anger, Sadness/Depression, and Acceptance. And trust me, there is no pre-set time limit on how long it might take a person to move through this stages, and the stages can recycle over and over again, throughout one's living life.

I found that spending every chance my family and I get to be with my dad (if there's an award for the most understanding and loving husband/father, my dad, will surely top that list, anytime!) over the weekends is important during this trying times. Friends tell me : "Nihal, you need time to adjust to a life without your mother, and this takes time. Allow yourself the time to experience the pain of losing your mom, and after awhile, you should be able to return to the things you enjoy doing." But believe you me, this is so damn hard to practice in real life.

I have learned a lot about the grieving process and have come to realize that eventually I will never get over the loss of my mom. I do not feel I will ever truly accept her loss, but have learned to acknowledge the loss of my Amma, and will try to move on with my life, and will make sure of keeping her a very part of it all.

I used to think that Mother's Day was just another simple holiday? The day where all the children were especially nice to one another so that our Mom could enjoy some "peace and quiet," and it's definitely a commodity which is in short supply in most of our mothers' lives nowadays. But I know that we treated our Mom as a "Queen for the Day" in those less-harried times.

Children — even when we've become adults — we need a way to express our love for our Mom. It was easy back then, when we were young and could easily fashion a statement out of some paper and glue. But sadly to some, It gets harder when their lives become filled with new duties and obligations. Being the youngest in the family like me, we're showered with all the examples and reasoning's the eldest always give. When we grow up, we need to find a new way to say "I love you", once you do this ... it is everlasting! Believe me ... I saw this in my Mom's face, every time I told her this.

Maybe it's just me, but Mother's Day will never be the same again. To me, this has to be THE day, if you're too busy chasing your financial freedom that other 364 days, a child needs to reflect on the sacrifices a Mom had put in raising them up, never once ever complaining, making sure there's food always on the table, and ultimately cherishing sweet memories and for that one day in your life ... if you could ... just say out loud, and raise your arm and give her that big warm hug that a Mom truly deserves, and you tell her with all your heart ... "Mom, I love you so much, you're the greatest. You have brought me up well!" This will surely send them a message that "I still remember all you did for me."

What I will miss though from my Mom's absence is : Her frequent calls to me, her regular stays at my house, her visiting my daughter at the hospital (take note, this is a lady who practically can't see anything beyond five feet away from her very clearly, and yet she's there after catching a cab, at the hospital ward, showing her support for her youngest grand-daughter), her charitable deeds (all her grand-children calls her 'Mother Mary' for this), her positive attitude towards life, and her missing the sight of seeing my daughter walk on her own, but mostly, ... I will miss her smile, her touch and seeing her enjoying her holidays, more so when she's always around her daughter, my only sister (she is indeed another Angel sent from heaven above).

Amma, thank you for who I am

Thank you for all the things I'm not



Forgive me for the words unsaid along the way
And for the times I forgot

Amma, remember all my life
You have showed me love, You sacrificed
How I've changed along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time for me to see
That I am where I am, because of your truth
I miss you

Amma, forgive me for the times you've cried

Amma, forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused you
And I've been wrong

Amma, I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I've made
And I know you've believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ... Amma

And I will forever be your son (in this life and the next) ... this I promise!