Farewell Amma

To be honest, this post ... would be the most hardest to complete, and might even be the most longest in my entire life. For it comes straight from my heart ... for someone very special, and she meant the whole world to me ... my dearest Amma (mother).

It has taken me a while to think over these last couple of months that has come to pass, with the recent loss of my Amma to cancer.

She was indeed the most loving mother any child could ask for - compassionate, sincere, kind hearted, forgiving, etc. Singled handedly my mom, Shirley, as all her close friends and acquaintances called her, brought up six children with pride and dignity. Never once, have I heard her complain or belittle her children to her friends. To her, we were her pride and joy ... children who would one day appreciate her for who we are today.

It was just about a year ago that I dedicated a post to honor my dearest mom on this very special day we all celebrate as "Mother's Day". Reading it once again, breaks me down to the point I wonder : "Did I do everything right, did I make her proud?"

I ask this same question over and over again, how long will this ripped out part of my heart last? I reckon, only God will have the actual answer to that. I've lost my Amma. She was cremated some two weeks ago, but I still can't get over of the fact of losing her, and cry every night silently in my room. I think about her all the time. In this life, she is gone, she is no more. I will never hear her voice again, or ever see her smile.

What I've learnt from this situation is that when a loved one dies, we experience various stages of grief. Basically there are four key stages : Shock, Denial/Anger, Sadness/Depression, and Acceptance. And trust me, there is no pre-set time limit on how long it might take a person to move through this stages, and the stages can recycle over and over again, throughout one's living life.

I found that spending every chance my family and I get to be with my dad (if there's an award for the most understanding and loving husband/father, my dad, will surely top that list, anytime!) over the weekends is important during this trying times. Friends tell me : "Nihal, you need time to adjust to a life without your mother, and this takes time. Allow yourself the time to experience the pain of losing your mom, and after awhile, you should be able to return to the things you enjoy doing." But believe you me, this is so damn hard to practice in real life.

I have learned a lot about the grieving process and have come to realize that eventually I will never get over the loss of my mom. I do not feel I will ever truly accept her loss, but have learned to acknowledge the loss of my Amma, and will try to move on with my life, and will make sure of keeping her a very part of it all.

I used to think that Mother's Day was just another simple holiday? The day where all the children were especially nice to one another so that our Mom could enjoy some "peace and quiet," and it's definitely a commodity which is in short supply in most of our mothers' lives nowadays. But I know that we treated our Mom as a "Queen for the Day" in those less-harried times.

Children — even when we've become adults — we need a way to express our love for our Mom. It was easy back then, when we were young and could easily fashion a statement out of some paper and glue. But sadly to some, It gets harder when their lives become filled with new duties and obligations. Being the youngest in the family like me, we're showered with all the examples and reasoning's the eldest always give. When we grow up, we need to find a new way to say "I love you", once you do this ... it is everlasting! Believe me ... I saw this in my Mom's face, every time I told her this.

Maybe it's just me, but Mother's Day will never be the same again. To me, this has to be THE day, if you're too busy chasing your financial freedom that other 364 days, a child needs to reflect on the sacrifices a Mom had put in raising them up, never once ever complaining, making sure there's food always on the table, and ultimately cherishing sweet memories and for that one day in your life ... if you could ... just say out loud, and raise your arm and give her that big warm hug that a Mom truly deserves, and you tell her with all your heart ... "Mom, I love you so much, you're the greatest. You have brought me up well!" This will surely send them a message that "I still remember all you did for me."

What I will miss though from my Mom's absence is : Her frequent calls to me, her regular stays at my house, her visiting my daughter at the hospital (take note, this is a lady who practically can't see anything beyond five feet away from her very clearly, and yet she's there after catching a cab, at the hospital ward, showing her support for her youngest grand-daughter), her charitable deeds (all her grand-children calls her 'Mother Mary' for this), her positive attitude towards life, and her missing the sight of seeing my daughter walk on her own, but mostly, ... I will miss her smile, her touch and seeing her enjoying her holidays, more so when she's always around her daughter, my only sister (she is indeed another Angel sent from heaven above).

Amma, thank you for who I am

Thank you for all the things I'm not



Forgive me for the words unsaid along the way
And for the times I forgot

Amma, remember all my life
You have showed me love, You sacrificed
How I've changed along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time for me to see
That I am where I am, because of your truth
I miss you

Amma, forgive me for the times you've cried

Amma, forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused you
And I've been wrong

Amma, I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I've made
And I know you've believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ... Amma

And I will forever be your son (in this life and the next) ... this I promise!

Mom Song

This is one great video! Incidentally it's called "the mom song", and it's perfectly sung by this comedian to the background of William Tell's masterpiece - Overture. I know it's not my regular kind of post but I simply had to share this with everyone as I found it so hilarious, entertaining and yet, so true to life.

Personally, it somehow reminded me of some of the things my mom would definitely say. Trust me on this one, there's surely something here that would remind you of your mom as well. Get ready to laugh and enjoy the show!

Streamyx Let-Down

Wow, what a week I had! Just after posting my last article on Monday, touching on the subject of feng shui - 'Not Good Luck', bad luck hits my Internet line. I practically lost three solid days of Internet access. This has been my sixth big let-down experience over this two months by my broadband provider, TM Net - Streamyx.

I guess I must be in the minority, when it comes to loosing connection with this service but let me tell you, it's so frustrating! This week was not that long, but in the past I've even had to endure seven days of being without a connection, but sadly, I would still have to pay them the same monthly fee??

I opted for a broadband access compared to a dial-up, thinking that this would be a wiser decision on my part, but somehow I've had to encounter six times of connection failures with them. The irony to this whole situation is that it's the same problem, over and over again, 'error 678' (meaning to say that their remote computer is not responding???) And according to my friends, this is a usual problem with Streamyx.

I would like to give my two cent's worth here; rather than spending tons of money on promotions and advertisement's, they should really concentrate on getting to the root of these problems, only then, can they build a credible reputation. Why I'm saying this is because it's a paid service and not something which you get for free, right. So, if their Internet coverage has flaw's in them, why can't they solve it in a single attempt?

Imagine this scenario; your car is the only means of transportation to get to work, from where you generate an income to support your family, and all of a sudden this car breaks down for seven days or more and you can't get to work. What will happen next is that your boss would probably show you the exit! So this same scenario applies to people who need the Internet, as that's their only source of income.

Right now, if there was a choice, I would not hesitate to jump.

If you thought that this was really bad, you should visit my friend's page: Mariuca - Wishing On A falling Star where her ordeal was even longer yet, very funny. (But trust me, it wouldn't have been funny back then)

Tribute To My Mom

The weekend is just around the corner, and everyone is so busy with their last minute shopping, looking for that perfect Mother's Day gift. So I decided to side track just a bit from my scheduled post, in order to give My Mom - my guardian angel, the praise she truly deserves.

But, where does one begin, to say in words or even to list it down on paper, of all the feelings you have for someone and make others truly believe it's so?

As I am older and a bit more wiser, I now see the value of a Mother, as special as mine. I mean, don't go ask me to list every little detail on what she did for me when I was a baby, because there is no way I could recall details to that period in a specific manner. But I know this for sure, there was a lot of love! Growing up in a big family for me was indeed a tremendous experience.

I remember my mom, looking after the six of us and another couple of my cousin's, all in the same home, single handed. Try asking our wives' to do this now, they would immediately show you the exit through the front door!

As I am, in my own way, a Dad now, I finally realise that bringing up a family isn't something simple as it may seem. You've got to put in time, dedication, patience, understanding and most of all, Lot's of love and caring.

As woman outlive men in this era, we find more of our mom's out there who live longer. Some are luckier than others, as their children can look after them, but what about those who have been sent to nursing/old folks home, and such? Things are normally easy when your mom is healthy and financially sound, but as soon as she's sick, physically challenged and financially dependant, things change.

As time caught up with my mom, she slowly developed breast cancer. Though she's been a tough and determined lady throughout this last 10 years or so, we sometimes forget, that now it's our turn to give back some loving... and a little bit of our time. If I could, I would wave a magic wand now and make everything nice and beautiful for her, and also tell her that in my next birth I want to be her child again ..... but the next time, I will be a better son, hugging her each day of her life so that she will never forget how special she is and that I love her so very much!

Today I pay tribute to my Mother, with the message, I Love You Mom, and Happy Mother's Day!

PS : Hope my wife doesn't see this post....she might ask me, "where's my gift"?